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Critique by Steve-C2 Steve-C2/critique/1230769733">May 10, 2015, 6:18:02 PM
Okay, first, I want you to know that I think this is a good story, and I enjoyed reading it. It was easy for me to get up close and catch a few things. I hope you don't mind that I'll be rather direct, but feel free to imagine me indicating everything in a kind, rather than cranky, tone. I have good respect for your writing, and enough respect for it, that whatever I point out for correction or adjustment does not take away from it.

Corrections:
"You are you?" -> you meant, "who are you?"
"Laki felt a pan of guilt" -> you meant, "pang of guilt?"
"Even though the best soldiers were never as 'worthier' ..." -> "never as worthy ..."
"the prince realized ... the soldier didn't lied" -> "soldier hadn't lied."
"Your empire suck" -> "Your empire sucks."
"Your mind ... can't conceive of anything else, or feels anything else." -> "feel anything else."
"and makes us to irrational actions... like you just did." -> "and leads us to irrational actions"
"Streaks of dried blood was visible" -> "Streaks of dried blood were visible"

Would read better:
"A pang of pain hit him as the tip of the tail got cut" -> "A sharp pain hit him as the tip of the tail was cut"

Suggestions:
There are a couple of paragraphs that are a bit unwieldy, or could stand to be better arranged. For example, take the third paragraph down, which describes all the castes, then what they did and how they fit into society. It would be easier to read, I think, if you simply named them first in one sentence, then described their functions.

In other words, if we take this:
The population of Omicron Draconis were distributed in four castes: the labour caste, granted no rights or freedom; the Reptillian caste, consisted entirely of soldiers, the deadliest and most feared army in all the universe (which is a big place); the Draconian caste, consisting of Scientists, the minds behind all of Omicron Draconis' technologies, and Occults, considered as the second worthiest caste, as their magical and occult prowess proved many times greater than an entire army; and finally, the royal and highest caste, the Siakars, composed of only the King and Queen, and their closest families, usually directly blood-related. Even half-siblings or half-parents were excluded from the Siakar caste and put in a lower caste, to minimize corruption of the chosen royal bloodline.
Perhaps it could be written as such:
The population of Omicron Draconis were distributed in four castes: the labour caste, the Reptillian caste, the Draconian caste, and the Siakar caste.

The labor caste was the lowest in the society, and granted no rights or freedoms. Next was the Reptillian caste, which consisted entirely of soldiers who were the deadliest and most feared army in the entire universe. The Draconian caste was divided into Scientists, who were the minds behind all of Omicron Draconis' technologies; and the Occults, considered as the second worthiest caste, since their magical and occult prowess proved many times greater than an entire army. Finally, the Siakars were the royal and highest caste. Only the King and Queen, and their closest family members were members of this cast. Only those who were directly blood related were members; even half-siblings or step parents were excluded from the Siakar caste and put into a lower caste, to minimize corruption of the chosen royal bloodline.
The scuffle between Laki and the prince was a little ... not confusing, but took a little bit of effort to read. I wish I could make a recommendation for reworking it to something requiring less effort, but I'm not sure how to approach the task. I could picture it enough to see what was happening, except at a couple of points.

Now with all that said.

I applaud your storytelling capabilities. Believe it or not, I saw this a while back. I looked at it, and saw the mention of reptillian aliens, and wasn't sure if I would be interested or not. Then I noticed that you wrote it, and thought, "Well, this won't be bad at all, I should read it when I have some more time." I regret that it took me this long to get to it; I was missing out on a good story.

This is definitely a good story. I can see that you were trying to do a lot here, handling complex themes, introduce complex events, and, although not perfectly polished, it's done well enough that I didn't lose track of the story, or interest in it. It's a good effort, with good results, and I see a lot of potential.

It actually caught my interest more than I originally thought I would. Laki is an interesting character; contrary to the efforts of his race, he wants to accomplish something. But what can he, a single individual, do? He finds out! :D The way the storyline plays out is enjoyable.

I also like how you used the theme of light and dark for good and evil. How you handle a common thing is pretty interesting, and is one thing that I noticed and thought I should mention.

I noticed this won second place in the contest you entered. I'll say it was well deserved. :)

Overall, this was a well thought story, told in a good and interesting manner. I'm glad I took the time (finally!) to read it. :)
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