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Literature Text
Eric awoke in unfamiliar surroundings. He looked around and realized he was not in his room. The room, aside from the bed and a table next to it, was bare. Judging by the fact the walls were white, rather than stone or brick, he guessed it was a teacher's apartment. The room was rather narrow, being only thrice as wide as the bed, and about the same length. The bed was positioned sidelong to the window, and directly under it. Across the room, the door stood in the middle of the wall, and a wooden chair was next to the door. On the wall opposite that with the chair, there was another door.
Eric slowly sat, first confirming that his head didn't hurt from doing so. His joints were somewhat stiff, but otherwise he felt okay.
He was still wearing the clothes from the previous night. Eric panicked. He was in a teacher's apartment, in a single room, wearing the clothes he had worn for his initiation, and was missing his robe. The last thing he remembered was being in intense pain, and he woke up in the small room. What had caused the pain? What had happened? Who brought him here? What happened to his robe? Was this an apartment? Whose was it? Who knew what, and what did they know? Was he a prisoner? What was going on?
Eric's head swam with the questions, to the point he felt light-headed, and he had to lay back down. The room started swirling around him. The closed his eyes momentarily, and when he opened them again, he saw a familiar light blue orb. Slowly it took shape in the form of a hawk, settled itself on the sill over Eric, and spread its wings. As it did so, Eric felt an odd calm fall over him. He took a few deep breaths, and settled down. The hawk looked at Eric, and a message was relayed to him, clearly as though being spoken. “Do not worry. You are safe. I will tend to you shortly." It was Serene.
Serene's familiar was a hawk. Familiars never took solid forms, but their light maintained the outline of an animal. The color of the animal was simply the color of the familiar; in this case, it was a light blue hawk. The hawk glided over to the back of the chair. Eric laid for a few moments, then rose again. This time he walked to the door on the side wall and discovered a washroom. How convenient, he thought. Eric refreshed himself, then sat back down on the bed comfortably, and wish he had something to occupy him. He also realized he was a bit ravenous.
Within a few minutes, Serene was knocking at the door. “Eric?”
“Come in.”
The door opened. Serene motioned to Eric. “Please come out here.” She stepped aside, gracefully gesturing him towards the larger living area. Serene's familiar followed Eric out the door. Leaving the room, on the right side of the living area, a green couch with an ostrich feather design and mahogany wood took up part of the wall. A dark wooden bookcase stood next to the couch. Another couch with the same design rested against the wall directly opposite the door to the small room. The center of the room was occupied by a low table, which was like the bookcase, made with dark wood, and polished to shine. Near the couch on the wall opposite of the room from which Eric had emerged, was another doorway, which seemed to be the boundary between the living area and the kitchen area.
The kitchen area consisted of some cupboards, a small stove, a table, and two chairs. On the wall opposite of the main door, two large windows allowed light into the kitchen. Eric noticed a third door in the center of the kitchen wall, and presumed it must be Serene's room.
The new environment this time suited Eric, but he still didn't have answers to any of his questions.
Serene glided from the living area to the small dining area and cooking space. “Please, Eric, sit. I'm sure you'd like some food.”
“Actually, yes, thank you very much.”
Eric sat at a table that occupied the center of the kitchen area. This table was a small one, room enough for two people.
Serene cooked some eggs and toast for Eric, and watched him eat. He finished the food, and sat back. “Thank you, Serene. That was quite refreshing.”
“I should think so. You slept through the entire day yesterday.”
“What?!” Eric wasn't really ready for this surprise. To be fair, he had questions, but he hadn't thought of asking how long he had been in bed. The other detail that Eric wasn't sure he was ready to hear the answers to the questions that he had.
Serene simply nodded. “What you experienced was quite unusual and quite draining.”
“Oh.” Eric put his head down. “Am I a prisoner here?”
Serene smiled slightly. “No, not at all. But I don't recommend you leave. At least not until you've asked the questions I'm sure you have. And not even after then. I won't force you to stay, but I think you should.”
Eric thought for a moment. “How did I get here?”
“Three of your friends, two gentlemen and one quite frantic girl brought you to the main gate, demanding a Guardian Mage. I'm closest to the door, even though I am around the corner. You were not in good shape when I saw you. I had them bring you here, then I healed what I could for you, and let you rest.”
“Bad shape?”
“You were quite drained. You were barely breathing and barely had a heartbeat. I was able to get things back to almost normal. The rest took care of everything else.”
“I see.” Eric was afraid to ask, but he had to know. “What do you know … ?”
“Of what?”
“What I was doing?”
“Eric, I didn't bring you to the clearing only to have a place to talk without being bothered. I knew what was going on there, that night. I knew why you were brought inside.”
“I see.”
Serene poured a cup of tea and gave it to Eric. “You were meddling with Necromancy. That much, I know.” She paused a moment, waiting for Eric to swallow his drink. “I also know that you no longer have any protective enchantments.”
Eric looked at her, raising his eyebrows. “You mean, you can read me now?”
Serene nodded. “It was quite interesting.” She paused a moment, and her familiar circuited the apartment, then repeated the process, then perched on her shoulder. “Come, let's sit.” She walked to the living room, positioned the couches to face each other, and let Eric sit in one. She made herself comfortable in the other.
Eric waited a few moments. “What happened?”
“I'll ask you a question, to answer yours. When you arrived, what happened, and what did you experience?”
Eric thought a moment. “I was brought to the stones. They brought this box in front of me, and I opened it. There was a knife inside, and they told me to take it, if I was willing. So I took it. When I took it, I felt funny, I remember thinking it was kind of like something breaking.
“They told me that I had to kill something. So I raised the knife, and lightning flashed, but I felt something else, like it, the lightning, was going through me, but it wasn't. It hurt so much, I dropped the knife and leaned forward against the slab.
“When I did that, I felt it again, but even worse. I thought I was going to die. Then I woke up here.”
Serene closed her eyes and put her hand to her forehead. She looked as though she didn't like what she had heard. “Oh, Eric,” she sighed. Looking up again, she explained. “Remember I told you that you had protective enchantments?”
“Yeah.”
“Mages can cast protective enchantments on a mage that has not realized their power. It prevents the mage, for a period of time at least, from becoming a mage. The same enchantment hides itself. In most cases, the person's thoughts, emotions, and anything else that can be read, is left alone.”
Eric remembered their earlier conversation. “But you said --”
Serene nodded. “I know what I said. As I said, you were quite interesting. Whoever sealed your powers, for some reason, also sealed your thoughts and emotions, and any energies, from being read. They did not want to leave a hint of who they were, or why they did what they did.
“I suspect it was, as I mentioned, for your own protection. Dragon Mages tend not to live long once they are found.”
“But the policy is to try to teach them and give them a chance, isn't it?”
For a moment, Serene looked disturbed. “That,” she breathed for a moment, “is the official policy. Regardless, someone felt it necessary to protect you, from being read in any way.”
“There are two basic problems with protective enchantments like yours. First, they do require maintenance. They can last years, but without someone keeping it up, it will break. Second, they are dangerous, for two reasons.
“It seems as though the protection incubates and grows the mage powers, while it is active. As a result, an enormous amount of power is unleashed on the poor mage. In the best case, the mage starts their powers at the second level of power, rather than the first. That's what happened to you.
“When you picked up the knife, your protections broke.”
Eric interrupted. “They said it had been given enchantments for Necromancy. Would that have broken the ones on me?”
Serene looked for a moment like she was going to say something, but stopped. When she started again, she explained more. “I don't know if the knife's enchantments would have broken yours. If they were as weak as what I was thinking, it is a possibility. The contact with a Necromancer's blade certainly didn't help anything. I don't know if it broke your enchantments, or if yours broke just as you held the knife because they were breaking anyway. In either case, your protective enchantments are now broken."
Serene continued explaining what had happened. “The first time you felt like something was going through you, like lightning, was the first level of power being realized. The second time you felt it, was the second level being realized. As much as it hurt, and as much as it drained you, that is a good case scenario.”
“What's a bad case?”
“The mage dies.” Eric's looked at Serene with his eyes wide in surprise. Serene noticed, but continued. “Consider yourself lucky. First, for as much power as what you realized, you should be dead. Second, I can't think of any mage, Guardian or not, that would have helped you. I know a few would have finished you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Eric, remember I said that you are a Dragon Mage. That type of Mage has a lot of fear and animosity against it. For your own safety, I wiped the memories of your friends, and of the monitors on duty who witnessed your arrival. Frankly, you need to learn how to hide your energies, or your life will be in grave danger.”
“What?”
Serene was troubled. “Eric,” she said softly, “Please listen to me very closely, very carefully. It is the official policy of the council to train Dragon Mages. That extends to the third level. You are now at the second. But that is the,” she paused, giving emphasis to the final words, “official policy.”
Eric was quiet for a few moments. His face showed the beginnings of understanding. “You mean --” He stopped short, eyes wide, mouth hanging open, shocked at what he finally realized.
Serene nodded. “Official policy.”
Eric slowly sat, first confirming that his head didn't hurt from doing so. His joints were somewhat stiff, but otherwise he felt okay.
He was still wearing the clothes from the previous night. Eric panicked. He was in a teacher's apartment, in a single room, wearing the clothes he had worn for his initiation, and was missing his robe. The last thing he remembered was being in intense pain, and he woke up in the small room. What had caused the pain? What had happened? Who brought him here? What happened to his robe? Was this an apartment? Whose was it? Who knew what, and what did they know? Was he a prisoner? What was going on?
Eric's head swam with the questions, to the point he felt light-headed, and he had to lay back down. The room started swirling around him. The closed his eyes momentarily, and when he opened them again, he saw a familiar light blue orb. Slowly it took shape in the form of a hawk, settled itself on the sill over Eric, and spread its wings. As it did so, Eric felt an odd calm fall over him. He took a few deep breaths, and settled down. The hawk looked at Eric, and a message was relayed to him, clearly as though being spoken. “Do not worry. You are safe. I will tend to you shortly." It was Serene.
Serene's familiar was a hawk. Familiars never took solid forms, but their light maintained the outline of an animal. The color of the animal was simply the color of the familiar; in this case, it was a light blue hawk. The hawk glided over to the back of the chair. Eric laid for a few moments, then rose again. This time he walked to the door on the side wall and discovered a washroom. How convenient, he thought. Eric refreshed himself, then sat back down on the bed comfortably, and wish he had something to occupy him. He also realized he was a bit ravenous.
Within a few minutes, Serene was knocking at the door. “Eric?”
“Come in.”
The door opened. Serene motioned to Eric. “Please come out here.” She stepped aside, gracefully gesturing him towards the larger living area. Serene's familiar followed Eric out the door. Leaving the room, on the right side of the living area, a green couch with an ostrich feather design and mahogany wood took up part of the wall. A dark wooden bookcase stood next to the couch. Another couch with the same design rested against the wall directly opposite the door to the small room. The center of the room was occupied by a low table, which was like the bookcase, made with dark wood, and polished to shine. Near the couch on the wall opposite of the room from which Eric had emerged, was another doorway, which seemed to be the boundary between the living area and the kitchen area.
The kitchen area consisted of some cupboards, a small stove, a table, and two chairs. On the wall opposite of the main door, two large windows allowed light into the kitchen. Eric noticed a third door in the center of the kitchen wall, and presumed it must be Serene's room.
The new environment this time suited Eric, but he still didn't have answers to any of his questions.
Serene glided from the living area to the small dining area and cooking space. “Please, Eric, sit. I'm sure you'd like some food.”
“Actually, yes, thank you very much.”
Eric sat at a table that occupied the center of the kitchen area. This table was a small one, room enough for two people.
Serene cooked some eggs and toast for Eric, and watched him eat. He finished the food, and sat back. “Thank you, Serene. That was quite refreshing.”
“I should think so. You slept through the entire day yesterday.”
“What?!” Eric wasn't really ready for this surprise. To be fair, he had questions, but he hadn't thought of asking how long he had been in bed. The other detail that Eric wasn't sure he was ready to hear the answers to the questions that he had.
Serene simply nodded. “What you experienced was quite unusual and quite draining.”
“Oh.” Eric put his head down. “Am I a prisoner here?”
Serene smiled slightly. “No, not at all. But I don't recommend you leave. At least not until you've asked the questions I'm sure you have. And not even after then. I won't force you to stay, but I think you should.”
Eric thought for a moment. “How did I get here?”
“Three of your friends, two gentlemen and one quite frantic girl brought you to the main gate, demanding a Guardian Mage. I'm closest to the door, even though I am around the corner. You were not in good shape when I saw you. I had them bring you here, then I healed what I could for you, and let you rest.”
“Bad shape?”
“You were quite drained. You were barely breathing and barely had a heartbeat. I was able to get things back to almost normal. The rest took care of everything else.”
“I see.” Eric was afraid to ask, but he had to know. “What do you know … ?”
“Of what?”
“What I was doing?”
“Eric, I didn't bring you to the clearing only to have a place to talk without being bothered. I knew what was going on there, that night. I knew why you were brought inside.”
“I see.”
Serene poured a cup of tea and gave it to Eric. “You were meddling with Necromancy. That much, I know.” She paused a moment, waiting for Eric to swallow his drink. “I also know that you no longer have any protective enchantments.”
Eric looked at her, raising his eyebrows. “You mean, you can read me now?”
Serene nodded. “It was quite interesting.” She paused a moment, and her familiar circuited the apartment, then repeated the process, then perched on her shoulder. “Come, let's sit.” She walked to the living room, positioned the couches to face each other, and let Eric sit in one. She made herself comfortable in the other.
Eric waited a few moments. “What happened?”
“I'll ask you a question, to answer yours. When you arrived, what happened, and what did you experience?”
Eric thought a moment. “I was brought to the stones. They brought this box in front of me, and I opened it. There was a knife inside, and they told me to take it, if I was willing. So I took it. When I took it, I felt funny, I remember thinking it was kind of like something breaking.
“They told me that I had to kill something. So I raised the knife, and lightning flashed, but I felt something else, like it, the lightning, was going through me, but it wasn't. It hurt so much, I dropped the knife and leaned forward against the slab.
“When I did that, I felt it again, but even worse. I thought I was going to die. Then I woke up here.”
Serene closed her eyes and put her hand to her forehead. She looked as though she didn't like what she had heard. “Oh, Eric,” she sighed. Looking up again, she explained. “Remember I told you that you had protective enchantments?”
“Yeah.”
“Mages can cast protective enchantments on a mage that has not realized their power. It prevents the mage, for a period of time at least, from becoming a mage. The same enchantment hides itself. In most cases, the person's thoughts, emotions, and anything else that can be read, is left alone.”
Eric remembered their earlier conversation. “But you said --”
Serene nodded. “I know what I said. As I said, you were quite interesting. Whoever sealed your powers, for some reason, also sealed your thoughts and emotions, and any energies, from being read. They did not want to leave a hint of who they were, or why they did what they did.
“I suspect it was, as I mentioned, for your own protection. Dragon Mages tend not to live long once they are found.”
“But the policy is to try to teach them and give them a chance, isn't it?”
For a moment, Serene looked disturbed. “That,” she breathed for a moment, “is the official policy. Regardless, someone felt it necessary to protect you, from being read in any way.”
“There are two basic problems with protective enchantments like yours. First, they do require maintenance. They can last years, but without someone keeping it up, it will break. Second, they are dangerous, for two reasons.
“It seems as though the protection incubates and grows the mage powers, while it is active. As a result, an enormous amount of power is unleashed on the poor mage. In the best case, the mage starts their powers at the second level of power, rather than the first. That's what happened to you.
“When you picked up the knife, your protections broke.”
Eric interrupted. “They said it had been given enchantments for Necromancy. Would that have broken the ones on me?”
Serene looked for a moment like she was going to say something, but stopped. When she started again, she explained more. “I don't know if the knife's enchantments would have broken yours. If they were as weak as what I was thinking, it is a possibility. The contact with a Necromancer's blade certainly didn't help anything. I don't know if it broke your enchantments, or if yours broke just as you held the knife because they were breaking anyway. In either case, your protective enchantments are now broken."
Serene continued explaining what had happened. “The first time you felt like something was going through you, like lightning, was the first level of power being realized. The second time you felt it, was the second level being realized. As much as it hurt, and as much as it drained you, that is a good case scenario.”
“What's a bad case?”
“The mage dies.” Eric's looked at Serene with his eyes wide in surprise. Serene noticed, but continued. “Consider yourself lucky. First, for as much power as what you realized, you should be dead. Second, I can't think of any mage, Guardian or not, that would have helped you. I know a few would have finished you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Eric, remember I said that you are a Dragon Mage. That type of Mage has a lot of fear and animosity against it. For your own safety, I wiped the memories of your friends, and of the monitors on duty who witnessed your arrival. Frankly, you need to learn how to hide your energies, or your life will be in grave danger.”
“What?”
Serene was troubled. “Eric,” she said softly, “Please listen to me very closely, very carefully. It is the official policy of the council to train Dragon Mages. That extends to the third level. You are now at the second. But that is the,” she paused, giving emphasis to the final words, “official policy.”
Eric was quiet for a few moments. His face showed the beginnings of understanding. “You mean --” He stopped short, eyes wide, mouth hanging open, shocked at what he finally realized.
Serene nodded. “Official policy.”
I had spoken with one of my friends about the use of the term "level" since I had a hard time using it without feeling juvenile or getting a "D&D" type feeling, and I wanted neither. I didn't have a problem with the concept, per se, of mages having different levels of power; I had a problem with the word "level." After considering a few other words, I settled on "level." I hope it works, and doesn't sound childish or get a gaming feeling to it.
A lot of questions that came up in Chapter 2, get answered here. Notice I said "a lot".
Did I capture Eric's panic at the beginning well?
For everyone's information - Rebecca was not the frantic girl. It was another frantic girl; most likely thinking she was handling a dead body (or if she was one of the Necromancers, frantic to help Eric because they'd be in hot water if he died)
Does anyone get the feeling Serene still knows more than what she's saying?
Did anything "stick out" when you read it, and what?
As usual, feedback is appreciated. Thank you!
Prior: [link]
Next: [link]
A lot of questions that came up in Chapter 2, get answered here. Notice I said "a lot".
Did I capture Eric's panic at the beginning well?
For everyone's information - Rebecca was not the frantic girl. It was another frantic girl; most likely thinking she was handling a dead body (or if she was one of the Necromancers, frantic to help Eric because they'd be in hot water if he died)
Does anyone get the feeling Serene still knows more than what she's saying?
Did anything "stick out" when you read it, and what?
As usual, feedback is appreciated. Thank you!
Prior: [link]
Next: [link]
Comments25
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In the first paragraph: "Eric awoke in unfamiliar surroundings. He looked around and realized he was not in his room. The room, aside from the bed and a table next to it, was bare. Judging by the fact the walls were white, rather than stone or brick, he guessed it was a teacher's apartment. The room was rather narrow, being only thrice as wide as the bed, and about the same length. The bed was positioned sidelong to the window, and directly under it. Across the room, the door stood in the middle of the wall, and a wooden chair was next to the door. On the wall opposite that with the chair, there was another door."
There is a bed beneath the window, and the opposite wall has a a door and a chair. If the room is bare aside from the bed and table, I can only assume that the door is open and the chair is outside the doorway (we learn later that this is not the case). Otherwise, there is a door in the same wall as the window... Action (aka layout) maps are your friends 
Here is a sample I've used in "The Centaur":
Here is a sample I've used in "The Centaur": I really like the way you ended this segment, I could practically hear "dah-dum" as the words "Official policy" sink in. One can't help but wonder what Serene's motivations are? She certainly knows more than she's letting on.
I've noticed a tendency to introduce something, say, an object or a room, and then repeat the name of the object or room in the following paragraph. “Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them.” - John Ruskin
(Disclaimer: I, too, am often guilty of this crime. Why use ten words when one hundred will suffice? "Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge." - Winston Churchill)
"Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge." - Winston Churchill)Nits:
"Eric refreshed himself, then sat back down on the bed comfortably, and wish he had something to occupy him." Typo: "wished"